Sunday, September 7, 2008

A Poem Yet To Be Titled

Pal,
For the first time I had to learn the way I woman speaks...

This piece (the poem below) is yet to be titled...a challenge for me cos it's never happened to me before...(I mostly get my titles up first)...suggest one if you may...

It's as a result of a request made by a friend who wanted to express gratitude to her hubby (with some romantic lines-->I'm not sure what that means...hehe!)...and this was way back in June...it's now ready...and I hope she likes it...

so enjoy:


Let me feel your voice caress
the curves of my shoulders
down to my pulses

I'm your woman
Kay
I'm glad you're my man

And I wish...
wish I could capture
your hearts desires
and turn them into all that you dream

For the manly shoulder
you give me to lean on
when I don't feel strong

For the warmth you give me
when I feel the touch of your palms
on my arms...
healing the goose-pimples
that seize me under ice-cold freezing fears

For that smile I see in your eyes...
Lighting up my days
even while you're away

Could I be grateful enough?

Kay
Hug me...hold me

Let me feel you voice caress
the curves of my shoulders
down to the very depth of my pulses
I'm your woman
and I'm glad you're
my man

Notes:
  1. Kay only represents the man's name...it may just change to the actual name later when I get the all clear to use it in public.
  2. Pal, you might just be the first to read the poem. My friend is yet to see it...tomorrow.

11 comments:

Muze said...

this is beautiful novisi!!

you have quite the poet's pen.

i like.

i'm sure her hubby will love.

what a great friend you are!

*smiles*

Nana Yaw Asiedu said...

I like it. And it is 'romantic', whatever that means.I've found for poems like these, one of the best ways to title them is simply to give it the name of the intended recipient. So, in this case, you could call it 'Kay'. I have also had a technique of simply calling it something like 'A Song for Kay' or 'Heartbeat for Kay'.

A few comments/suggestions, now.

Verse 1, line 3:

You may want to amend 'hearts desires' to 'heart's desires'

Verse 5:

Nov, I am not sure that the phrase 'goose pimples' brings up a picture in sync with the romance in this piece; especially the word 'pimples'. You might want to try an alternative (less mentally shocking) phrase to describe the same condition. And if you do not find any, you may try 'bumps', or you may abandon the phrase altogether and employ another like 'shivers' to a similar effect.

Verse 10, line:

Little typo. 'your'.

I really like this, Nov, I am certain your lady friend would too, and her husband's breath will be taken away!

novisi said...

muze,
tanx u much for appreciating...

and i love that smile...and it's actually plenty...*smiles*!

novisi said...

Wow wow wow!
Nana, that's massive...

u sure have a shoulder for a brother to lean on!

thanks for the typos' alerts!

and as for 'goose pimples', i can't over state the battle i had with own soul over that phrase...i get what u mean...

so i would settle for 'shivers'...i think it's the apt word here... 'bumps' also sounds 'bombastic' somehow to me just like the *boom* of the 'goose' and the *ooze* of the 'pimples'...

I decided to delay the presentation of the poem a bit, but now i feel okay about it...thanks to you! I'd let her see it tomorrow for sure!

omg...it's 'shivers'...shivers...

shiverssssssssss!

Obed Sarpong said...

Nice piece. The bit about correctness is helpful. But shy it away sometimes, you know, to be able to explore. Creative pieces don't mind correctness: it's the skill and shrewdness of the writer.

novisi said...

hey obed,
thanks for sharing...and i get what u mean...i get the feed...

i think it 'all' just needs to be placed in proper perspectives... the feeling of the writer against those of the rest of the world...

ultimately though, I think every work of art must lend itself to a 'must happen' critic. without that the artwork may hardly survive the test of time...

so yeah, it's not just about correct or wrong for me but the ultimate climb to face the needed questions that the artwork itself invokes without the asking of one doing the critic...

thanks man!

Kajsa Hallberg Adu said...

Hi blogger friend, I especially liked the part of the poem that is repeated in the end. It is difficult to write love poems that refrain from being clichee, however, i believe you pulled it off.

So for a Title, how about reusing my blog post title from yesterday: 'Thankful in Traffic' ;-)

Don said...

Definitely a heartfelt piece, I am sure she will appreciate your effort forever. Reminds me of when my female relatives would ask me to pen poetry for them.

novisi said...

hi Kajsa,
thanks for sharing...and the title...lol

Don, sure, the requests do come...and it's always a challenge...i've done a few mainly for friends...have another one holding-up that i'm scratching my head about now...will see

thanks man!

Muze said...

where ya at homie?

abbynah said...

WOW! Now that is beautiful!