Thursday, October 23, 2008

some collours

she's got style!

with skin so brown so fine

her white slippers go
with her fitting
white sleeveless top

donning a blue cap
with curvy cuts
that matches
her micro-hot
sexy-blue shorts

her thighs tease-out in a frenzy

and now,

she's got me
watching her every move

2 comments:

Nana Yaw Asiedu said...

You're loving the skin, the slippers, the sleeveless top, the blue cap and shorts, the curvy cuts (what's that?), the thighs. All physical, persona, but have you 'met' her mind? What is she like, huh? Or, since you're, for now, only just watching her every move, is objectification the purpose of this particular enterprise? Lol.

On another level, I like the dynamism of the versification. Well cut off at good places. In fact so well done, that if you take out much of the adjectival description, you still have the very healthy, clean and passionate lines 1, 2, 11 13 & 14. Something like this:

she's got style
with skin so brown, so fine
her thighs tease out in a frenzy
she's got me
watching her every move.

I think you, Novisi, have just got it. I learn every time from you.

Btw, I think something really works in this poem. What used to be called the pathetic fallacy. While it is the persona who is caught up in a frenzy by another's thighs, the feeling is transferred to the thighs themselves. That is a gem in the poem.

Great work.

novisi said...

Nana, to be frank this whole thing just came to mind like a 'play thing' to ease the mind after a hot thursday...after I'd just posted 'poetry', my earlier piece...then i saw this lady in a picture...

interestingly...i don't remember ever posting twice on same day...

oh...the curvy cuts?...the cap has curvy cuts (cuts that are curved like the bill of some baseball cap)...that's what i'm trying to say...

at this point Nana, I don't even want to 'meet' her mind just yet...but it's sure beyond objectification...it's spiritual, almost...like a wind...hehe! true!

i connect with the 'pathetic fallacy' bit...and you sure get it...i bet YOU are always the good teacher...
and you know what...i was wondering when i put the word 'frenzy', whether it won't confuse the reader...i'm glad you got the mix...it's like when you look at the persona...and i admit it's me, then you can't help but place the brown thighs too in the picture...all in the frenzy...it's the 'me' (the persona) caught in the frenzy really...

lol...i never felt this would turn out a 'great work' Nana...i was just playing fantacy!

thanks...i'm humbled